Not Enough

I’ve been thinking this week about “not enough”. The perception we have of ourselves that we cannot measure up, we are insufficient to accomplish the things we need to do in a satisfactory way. We aren’t good enough women, moms, or friends. We don’t cook well enough food or keep our house clean enough. We aren’t smart enough or talented enough. Our homes are not enough, our kids are not enough. All in all, we simply don’t feel we measure up to our own standards.

And despite telling ourselves that we are better than some people, the thought nags us, the reality that we are not all we want to be, we cannot do all we want to do, and we cannot control the things we want to take charge of. Despite telling ourselves that we are better than other people, that we should settle for giving it our best shot, or trying to lower our standards,  we are simply not satisfied.

It’s a worry that nags at me sometimes, though less now than it used to. It began to change one day when I was doing my best to go about my business, cleaning up the house, scheduling flights, raising my boys who were young, and crying tears of anger and pain. “God, I can’t do this anymore!” I muttered under my breath while I screamed in my mind.

You aren’t supposed to.

“What?” I asked the voice in my head.

This, my daughter, is the meaning of grace, of salvation. You were never meant to do this, and you will never measure up. That’s why I sent Jesus to pay the price and my Spirit to work through you. You can rest in that. I AM enough. And you are not.

I stopped short. I wanted to get it right, I wanted to prove I could. Yet, I couldn’t deny that all my trying fell far short. And suddenly the thought was freeing instead of degrading. I wasn’t enough and I was never meant to be. God was enough, and He would accomplish His will through simple steps of obedience.

So, I began on a journey of not telling myself I was good enough, but of reminding myself that “enough” was God’s job not mine. I quit telling my friends they measure up to the impossible standard and began telling them that they don’t, and it doesn’t matter.

I don’t always remember that, and I haven’t arrived at the point of letting go of everything. But I am learning, most days. And in my better moments, I love that fact that none of us is enough, but God is still enough. It’s a freeing journey.

Quiet

I’ve been thinking lately about things that feed and things that drain. And how what drains one person will feed another. And the fact that God made us that way, a community of givers and takers, and on any given day we are both.

And I think that many of us have a preference, some try to give all the time, and some try to take all the time. Neither works out well. We were created to work together, a team able to accomplish the amazing as we each do our part. But when we try to do someone else’s part it doesn’t go so well.

We get weary. We get worn. We get sick. (And yes, there are other reasons we get weary, worn, and sick.) And these things are reminders that we are a part of a community that is bigger than just us. We are not only strong, we are also needy. We are not only healers, we are broken. And when we allow this truth to sink deep in our souls, we are healed and refreshed.

And beyond our earthly community, we have been invited into relationship with the God of the Universe. He is always around and always enough. We drink from Him first. We find our identity and satisfaction in Him. And while He satisfies, He also creates an ever-deeper hunger. And the quest continues. And we find and we search. And we lead others to Him and we start again.

The activities and callings of our lives are also part of the filling and the draining. Many of us have choices about how we will spend our time, and it is meant to be divided between feeding and eating, I believe. And as our circumstances change, we also change. We must routinely check the inner reserves and fill them.

Relationships and activities. They make our lives what they are. Choose wisely!